The Totally Lame Zombie

As dictated by Vladimir. The first few paragraphs were actually yelled from his bathroom. While he was "thinking."


"SO. CAN YOU HEAR ME?" (me): "Yes! No need to shout!"  "OKAY! OKAY! SO -"  (me): "NO NEED to shout, V." Vlad: "GOT IT. Can you hear me? ANYWAY...

...It was a dark and stormy night... very dark... and very stormy." (a lengthy pause). "VERY...STORMY." (me): "Do you want to wait until you're done?" Vlad: "NO, the thoughts, they're comin' to me now. So write it down." Me: "You got it."

"SO BACK TO THE DARK AND STORMY NIGHT. This zombie, he was very tired. And lame. Maybe you're wondering why he was lame? Well, you get very tired when you're chasin' people around and trying to eat their brains. So you get tired. And lame." (toilet flushes)

Vlad (walking into the livingroom): "So the Very Lame Zombie -" Me: "Vlad, you didn't wash your hands." Vlad (incredulously): "I am TELLIN' a STORY!" Me: "Tell it while you're washing your hands." Vlad (stomping back to the bathroom): "You are MESSIN' with my thinking; I hope you know that." (washes hands and comes back into the livingroom). "Here, you wanna smell to make sure they're clean?" Me: "I'm sure they're fine. Continue."

"So this very tired and totally lame zombie, he just didn't have the energy to go chasin' after brains anymore. Besides, the only ones he could catch were GIRLS, and their brains, they taste like pink marshmallows which are okay, but after a while you just don't want pink marshmallow brains anymore. So he had to be SMART and he had to be FAST and he had to be VERY SNEAKY. How come? Well instead of chasin' after the brains, he decided he was gonna invent a brain-suckin' thing that would just SCHWAP! into the air and land on people's heads and suck the brains out and he could just do it all from the comfort of his very own sofa for only a hundred and ninety-nine dollars." Me: "What was a hundred and ninety-nine, the sofa or the brain-sucker?" Vlad: "The sofa. Can you just write the story and not talk?" Me: "Of course."

"So from his sofa he SCHWAPPED! out his brain suckin' thing and got all the smart people he could find, because he needed the extra protein. And suddenly he could walk again! It was amazin'! And so that is why you got to eat all your meatloaf at dinner. Because it looks like brains. And it has the protein. The end."

Me: "That's it?" Vlad: "What do you want; that's all I got right now." Me: "You need to eat more protein."

Sh*t My Vlad Says

That's right! Thing 1 finally has his own facebook page! Go give him some love!

A Story by Vladimir

Typed as dictated by Vladimir the Great and Terrible.

Once, there was a hero and an Evil Scientist. The Evil Scientist cut food and made a huge monster. And a little one. The monster, who was FrankenFruit, had a face made out of a pineapple. So, the hero, he cut the pineapple up so he could eat it. Because pineapple is delicious.

So, anyway, Frankenfruit, he was just made out of all kinds of food and not just fruit. He had bologna for eyes. He had a big old orange for a nose. He had a big giant mouth made out of mayonnaise and carrots. The teeth were carrots. His tummy was big. Huge, actually. He also had a hotdog and a banana. For his wieners. 'Cause he had TWO.

SO the hero, who was giant tall and had an awesome mohawk and General Grievous wonderwears, decided this. He decided to EAT ALL OF FRANKENFRUIT to save his mother. Because his mother would just die if he did not eat all of his fruit. Allegedly.

So he got a big knife. And a sword. And his gun. Because heros take them everywhere they go. So he CHOPPED FrankenFruit and he SLASHED FrankenFruit and then he BLASTED Frankenfruit with his big giant awesome gun. Because he is awesome.


And then he ate all of his fruit so that he could have another General Grievous toy at the PX. The End.

Tomorrow we will tell the tale of the Actually Pretty Nice Skeleton and The Lame Zombie. The End For Real This Time.

THE END.

Oh there was a pear too. FrankenFruit had knees made out of pears.

Vladimir Does Walmart

This all occurred during one - ONE, trip to Walmart. I'm going to start podcasting my errand runs.


Me (as we walk into Walmart): "Vladimir, you're to behave in here. I mean it; no running, no dancing, BEHAVE. You got that?" Vlad (saluting) "Yes, SIR!"

As we enter the store... Vlad: "Chief, I am A ROBOT. A ROBOT. A ROBOT." Me: "Well robot yourself out of the middle of the walkway, please." Vlad: "I. CAN NOT. I NEED KY JELLY FIRST." Lady passing by: "Did he say KY jelly?" Vlad: "YES. IN THE BOTTLE WITH THE RED CAP."

As we walk through the school supply aisle, we pass a black gentleman with his daughters. Vlad (planting himself in the middle aisle, palm outstretched): "HALT, O DARK NIGHT." Me (closing my eyes, wishing I could quietly disappear): "I am so sorry..." Dude: "It's cool; he'll learn, hey?" Vlad: "SILENCE, HEATHEN." Me: "OH, my god, Vladimir! I am SO SORRY; we are from a really tiny town in the midwest..." Dude: "No worries. Keep fightin' the good fight, little man." Which was about a thousand times more polite than he had to be.


Vlad: "Chief, we're under attack! Save yourself!" (takes off down the crafts aisle). Me: "VLADIMIR, STOP! THIS INSTANT!! GET BACK HERE!" Vlad (turning around, salutes me again): "Yes, my Evil Queen." We continue through the store. Other people start to notice our passage. 


Walking past the underwear aisle, Vladimir yanks a size 48DDD off a rack. "Check me out, I look SEXY!" (prances around with the bra wrapped around him like a cape). Me (in a furious whisper): "Put it back! Put it back!!!" Vlad (holding it aloft for all to see): "This is GINORMOUS. This belongs to the lady with THE BIGGEST BOOBS EVER." Me (no longer whispering): "GODDAMMIT! PUT IT DOWN!" Vlad: "Okay, okay. It's really like a big parachute though. Huge."


Entering the baked goods area... Vlad (making explosive noises as he pretends to shoot imaginary foes): "Take THAT, MEGATRON!" (continues blasting) Me: "Vlad! Stop shooting!" Vladimir: "But I gotta kill all these Decepticons, they are EVERYWHERE!!" A younger couple, probably too young to have kids of their own, start laughing. Me: "Kill them SILENTLY." Vlad: "Well I'm sorry but there's just no way to shoot a bazooka silently."


Spying a tiny old lady looking at the bread selection: "Look, Chief! She looks just like Yoda!"

As I look at the cereal, I realize Vladimir isn't by the cart. I look around just as he hops on the back of a woman's motorized shopping cart. "MOTHER! I GOT A RIDE HOME OKAY?"

Almost to the exit, when Vlad spies a cardboard girl in a football cheerleader's uniform. "Chief, check out her BOOBS. They are GINORMOUS!" Me (grabbing his arm and propelling him out the door): "Stop talking about boobs!" Vlad: "Why?" Me: "'Cause it's rude, Vlad, okay?" Vlad (patting my chest): "Okay. I'll just look then."

I really need a drink.

The Vladisms, Part 5

If you're just now joining The Vlad Chronicles on LBB, see parts one, two, three, and four.  


Me (spying a turtle in our yard): "Hey Big V, go check out what's in the yard!" Vlad: "Oh my lands; it's a SEA TURTLE!!" Me: "Um..." V: "I got to hurry and get out there before he gets away!" Me: "I think you have plenty of time. Now don't touch him; do you remember why we don't touch turtles?" V: "Cause they maybe got SALMONELLA!" Me: "That's my boy!"


Vlad (to Walmart greeter): "Hey, can I get a sticker?" Greeter: "Well sure, little guy, here you go!" V: "Cool! Do you have some suckers?" Greeter: "I sure do, here you go!" V: "Thanks! You got any money?" Me: "Vladimir!" V: "I said 'Thanks'; didn't you hear me?"


Vlad (wandering back into the living room for the umpteenth time): "Chief, I can't lay down and go to bed, 'cause I have a pain, right here, on the part of my head that I lay on." Me: "Lay on your face." V: "But I have a SKELETON injury! And my blood vessels hurt!" Me: "Let me guess. Another episode of Criminal Minds will cure it." V (settling on the couch): "You're gonna make a good doctor, Chief."


Coach to kids: "Okay, just go out there, relax, and have fun!"
Me (ten minutes later, screaming at Vlad): "RELAX!!!! The coach said RELAX; HOW ARE YOU GONNA HAVE FUN IF YOU DON'T GET THE BALL?!? AND RELAX!!!"


Vlad: "Chief, look at the deer! Is it a girl or a boy?" Me: "It's a girl. Boys have big racks on their heads." V: "I thought the girls had the racks?"


Vlad (who's supposed to be in the outfield): "Hey can I just stand right here when she hits the ball?"


Vlad: "Hey, Chief, what do people taste like?" Me: "Um. I'm not sure. I've never eaten one." V: "Do people ever eat people?" Me: "Well, yes, they're called cannibals. Endo-cannibals eat only within their tribes, and exo-cannibals only eat their enemies." V: "But what do they TASTE like?" Me: "I'm not sure, Hannibal. Use a lot of ketchup."


Vlad: "Can you go over the hills really fast? It makes my pants feel funny."


Vlad (struggling to pull on a pair of shorts): "Chief, I'm just growing up way too fast!" Me (looking closer at the shorts): "No you're not. Those are your brother's shorts." Vlad (pausing with one foot and part of his calf wedged into the shorts): "Well DARN IT. I thought I was gonna be a giant or somethin'!"


Vlad (yelling from the living room): "Hey Chief, me and Vincent, we're playin the crazy bird game!" Me (thinking he was on the iPad): "Ok!" *a pause* V: "Hey, we need more pillows for Vincent to land on!"


Vlad (to a rather flamboyant young man wearing a multicolored scarf): "Hey dude, do you like to Taste the Rainbow?" Dude: "Every chance I get, sweetie."


Vlad: "Hey, these trees smell just like an air freshener!"


Vlad: "Let's practice our Scary Faces in case we see vampires or salesmen tomorrow, Chief."


Vlad: "Chief, how very awesome would I be if I just had two giant long pokey fingers on both of my hands and could walk all over the ceiling?" Me: "Um." V: "Very awesome. I know."


Me (putting in The Goonies): "Vlad, you are gonna love this movie. I used to watch it when I was young!" V: "Oh, man, is there at least colors in the movie?"


Lady at Safeway (to Vlad, who was moving items in the aisle out of her way so she could get through): "Well you're certainly a helpful young man!" V: "I am NOT a man. I am a DUDE. And she" (jerking his thumb over his shoulder at me) "is a CHICK." Me: "I *wish* I could say we are from California." :-/


Vlad (to a very well-preserved [Botoxed] lady at the market): "I like your shoes!" Lady: "Well thank you, young man." V: "Actually, I am a DUDE. And hey, did somebody pinch your butt or something?"


Vlad: "Chief, how come Darth Vader went over to the Dark Side?" Me: "Cause they had cookies." Vlad: "Oh. Is what you used to get Daddy to the Dark Side?" Me: "No. I wore something SPARKLY."


Vlad: "Chief, I gotta look at all my clothes and see what I wanna wear for school." (after perusing his shirts and pants): "I don't know; maybe we need to go to the store for some more." Me: "You are truly my son." V: "No. I am not buying purses. Just shoes."


Me: "That is IT, Vladimir. You are OFFICIALLY in trouble." Vlad: "No, wait, can it not be official? That way Daddy won't have to know!"

Vladisms, Part 4

Culled from my facebook statuses... see parts one, two, and three as well.

Vlad (upon being told that he will not be having PopTarts for lunch): "I am being OPPRESSIONED!" Me: "You are not being oppressed. I am guiding you in choices that you will be accountable for when you're an adult." V: "I got RIGHTS." Me: "No, you do not. You will do as I say, dress how I choose, and eat what I tell you to eat." V (triumphantly): " 'Zactly. OPPRESSION." :-/

Vlad (tooting): "Heya Mam, I tooted!" Me: "What do you say when you toot?" Vlad: "I tooted."

Vlad (hovering suspiciously over my shoulder): "Um, hey. Don't look in the kitchen, okay?" Me (still doing homework): "Why?" V: "Well... Maybe there's a fire but don't get mad!" Me (jumping up to find the smoldering remains of my magazine next to the candle on the kitchen table): "VLADIMIR THERE'S A FIRE!!!" V: "I just told you..." (a pause). "You're mad, aren't you."

Vlad (to lady at commissary): "Hey, you got some boys for me to play with?" Lady: "No, but I have a little girl who can play with you!" V (eyeing Little Girl up and down): "Well, how fast can she run?" Girl: "I run FAST and I PUNCH you too!" V (to lady): "We'll take her but she got to wipe her own butt, okay?"

Vlad (streaking past me into my room): "Mom I gotta poop in your bathroom okay?!?" Me (standing up and peering down the hall into his bathroom): "Why; what's wrong with yours?" V (yelling from my bathroom): "I don't want to mess up my experiment!"

Vlad (explaining why he removed his closet door from its hinges): "If there's no door, no monsters can come out." Me: "I can't prove 100% that monsters aren't in there. But what if I told you the chances were very tiny?" V: "Well I don't think there's lots of starving kids but I always eat all my pizza." Me: "But you don't eat all your meatloaf." V: "That's for the starving kids. They need the good food."

Me: "Vlad, can you hand me a diaper please?" V: "Um, no." Me: "It's right there." V: "Can't." Me: "HAND ME THE DIAPER. Furthermore, you need to be a little more helpful; your future wife will appreciate it." V: "Not gettin' married. Or be a doctor." Me: "What are you going to do when you grow up, then?" V: "I'm gonna be an evil genius. I will be awesome. And I will not change diapers." Me: "Good luck with that."

Vlad (munching contentedly on a banana): "Heya, Chief, you think weiners ever get as big as bananas?" Me (choking on my Sprite): ... Vlad (still pondering): "Or do they stay kinda hot-dog size?" Me: "Well. Um. You have a lot of time to grow." Vlad: "Awesome."

Vlad (sprawling with Vincent in my closet): "Chief, me and Vincent, we're just best friends, aren't we." Me: "Aw, that's sweet, V." Vlad: "Yeah, we're gonna share everything; towels, crackers, all our girlfriends..." Me: "Chill out there Charlie Sheen."

(this next post isn't Vlad, but will be, in a few more years):
Husband (looking at the mini cinnamon rolls): "Wow, those are tiny babe." Me: "Yeah, I made two packages 'cause remember when I got them last time? I didn't realize they were mini ones, so I put them in the oven and sort of hoped they'd get bigger." Husband: "They're not penises, babe."


Vlad: "Heya, Chief, how does Voldemort and Megatron blow their noses?" Me: "Um, hm. I actually have no idea." Vlad: "I bet they got lots of boogers then. That's why they're so mean." Me: "That could very well be." Vlad: "And they had a bad childhood."

My carry-on has essentials such as my iPad, laptop, gum, change of clothing, etc. Vladimir's carry-on has Spiderman, Big Show, a shield, a pirate hat, an Army cap, and ONE sock. Why just one? "Well, I prob'ly won't lose two, I always lose just one. So I'll just have the one. Just in case."

Vlad: "Hey Chief, send Vincent outside with me so we can do our Guy Stuff." Me: "What, exactly, does Guy Stuff entail?" V: "We're gonna shoot squirrels and stay out of the road and play with Lassie and get dirty and Vincent will prob'ly try to eat her food." Me: "Sounds like a plan. I'll get his jacket."

Vladimir (upon seeing a fully equipped bull): "WOW. That's gotta be the biggest wiener I have EVER seen." Me: "Definitely bigger than a banana."

Lilly: "Aunt Lee-yah, DD won't share any of his crackers with me!" Me: "Share your crackers, Vlad, that's not nice!" (V hands one to Lil) Me: "Now, what do you say, Lilly?" Lil: "Thank you, David!" Me: "And what do *you* say, Vlad?" V: "Stop bein' a tattle-tale."

Vlad (as I'm scrubbing his back in the bathtub): "Hey, my weiner needs washed." Me: "You already washed it, twice, V." V: "Well, it needs washed again." Me: "If you would spend a fraction of the amount of time washing behind your ears and your knees as you do on your weiner, you would be an exceptionally clean boy." V: "Well, washin' my ears and knees ain't as fun!"

Verizon chick to Vlad: "Do you need a cell phone too buddy?" V: "No, I don't want lots of girls callin' me all the time, or sendin' pictures and talkin' and stuff" Verizon chick: "Oh I bet you'll change your mind in a few years." V: "Definitely not. Ever." Chick: "Even when you're a grown up?" V: "Nope. Women are crazy."

(as we walk out the door) Vlad: "Heya, Chief, I think you forgot your pants." Apparently he has never seen me wear a dress :-/

Vlad: "Chief, after I'm done pooping I'm not gonna wash my hands 'cause I'm gonna destroy Megatron." Me: "How is not washing your hands going to help you do that? You ARE going to wash them, by the way." V: "He will die a messy and dis-GUSTIN' death from a STAPH infection!" Me: "Staph in feces is usually nonpathogenic. Wash your hands." V: "FINE. I'll just use a GUN, and it will be A LOT NOISIER."

(watching Kill Bill 2 AGAIN; after Bill's Superman speech) V: "Actually Superman ain't the only one." munches popcorn. "Optimus Prime is a real hero." Me: "Well, what he's saying is that the other guys are normal, and they turn into a hero; Superman is normal as his disguise. Optimus Prime isn't a disguise." V: "Yes he is; he disguises as a semi truck!" Me: "Wow. I just got pwnd by a five-year old."  Vlad: "AND, Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark don't actually have special powers, they are just rich and geniuses so they can be Batman and Iron Man. Peter Parker is just accidentally a superhero 'cause he got bit." Me: "Interesting. Well I hope if you accidentally get super powers you will use them to be good, and not bad." V: "I won't be bad, 'cause then you will put me in time out and won't let me watch tv." Me: Batman and Iron Man must have pretty good moms, then." V: "Yeah. Or just really cranky."

Girl at KFC: "Do you want two breasts, or a breast and another piece?" Vlad (piping up): "Well, a'course she wants two; why would she only want one?" KFC chick (who was possibly a bit clueless): "Well, the two breast meal costs a little more, guy." Me: "You are certainly correct."

Me (trying to keep Vincent corralled as I search for a diaper): "Vincent, sit! Stay there!" Vladimir: "Vincent, roll over!"

Me (upon seeing the cereal Vlad spilled onto the floor): "VLADIMIR! Clean it up NOW." Vlad (to Vincent): "Now see, when she talks like that, you got to listen, 'cause she is ANGRY."

Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Ever Helpful Vladimir: "well she didn't stop all the way at the red sign and she's prob'ly goin' too fast. And she said shit when you got your lights on her." Officer: "He don't miss much, does he?" Me: "No, he doesn't. THANK YOU VLADIMIR." V: "it's no problem."

Vlad (to counter chick @ McDonald's): "Hey, this Kung Fu Pamda guy? He don't do what the 'structions say; it does not work!" Dudette: "Um, sorry, I can let my boss know..." V: "Just let 'er know, and if you have any more questions just call my mom's phone. I know a lot about toys; it's kind of my job."

Vlad: "You're beautiful, Mommy." Me: "Aw, thanks, love." V: "Am I beautiful?" Me: "I think you are, but some people would probably say you're handsome instead." V: "What's handsome?" Me: "It's a word that describes usually a good-looking man, and beautiful a good-looking woman, but really either one can be used for either sex." V: "What's sex?" Me: "Ask daddy."

The Fruit of My Womb (Part 3)

If you're just now joining us, check out parts two and one first.


Vlad: "I can't get these stupid 'noculars OPEN!!" Me: "Hand them here; I'll do it." V: "No, I need a grown up to do it." Me: "Um. I am a grown up." V: "Well, a grown up that's bigger."


Vlad: "Hey Chief, you havin' a good day?" Me: "Not too bad, you?" V: "I'm good. So. You happy right now?" Me: "Um, yes. I suppose. Why?" V: "Well. If you walk by my bedroom just keep your eyes closed then, okay?" Me: "WHY?" V: "I think there was an accident."


"Vlad, Vincent has a stomach bug, so you need to keep to your room and stay out of his face." V: "Does he have Ebola?" Me: "Um, no." V: "Black plague?" Me: "No, Vlad. Just a stomach bug." V: "He got the Swine flu? Diabetes?" Me: "NO, Vlad. It's probably a norovirus, okay?" V: "Next time just say norovirus. Now can I see it on the computer?"


Vlad: "Whatcha doin' Chief?" Me (going from room to room): "Looking for my book." V: "In your closet." Me: "My closet?" V: "Yeah. This morning after you had it in your room you took it by the computer & then picked up Vincent & then changed him then fed us breakfast then fixed your hair & got your book & went to your closet & changed & called your friend & went into the living room." Me: "Thanks, Rain Man."


Vlad: "Hey, I want Vincent to come play with me in my room." Me (folding laundry): "Then you need to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't get hurt." V: "I don't want to have to take care of him, I just want to play!" Me: "So, you want the pleasure of playing with your brother, without the responsibility of his welfare?" V: "Um, yes." Me: "We have a lot of ground to cover before you start dating."


Vlad: "Hey Chief. How come guys don't got boobs?" Me: "Um. Well, they sort of do, they're just a lot smaller than women." V: "Can they still feed babies 'n stuff?" Me: "No, just women can do that." V: "Okay. Well go get me a pizza then."


Vlad (watching part of an episode of Law & Order: SVU): "Chief, what's gay?" Me: "You know how Kelsey and I love each other and kiss and got married?" V: "Yeah." Me: "Well, sometimes boys like to kiss and marry boys, and girls like to kiss and marry girls." V: "They fight over who has to do the laundry too?"


Vlad (munching contentedly on his lunch): "Chief, I sure do love pizza." Me: "I'm glad you enjoy it." V: "You know what? I love it like I love you!" Me: "Too awesome." V: "Does Kelsey love pizza like he loves golf?" Me: "Kelsey loves few things like he loves golf." V (patting my arm): "But his golf doesn't fix his supper, right?"


(at the conclusion of our Crunchy Parenting experiment) Me: "Okay, Vincent, are you ready to put your diapers back on?" Vin: "Ba-GEK!" Vlad the Translator: "He said 'Yeah, potty training is bullshit'!" Me: "VLADIMIR." V (shrugging): "He don't know that's a bad word to say yet, Mam; don't get mad at 'im."

Me: "Vlad, Vincent's coming into your room. Treat him how you want to be treated, okay?" Vlad: "You want me to buy him toys and let him have some ice cream?"

Vlad: "Heya, Chief, why you carryin' Vincent around on your hip?" Me (trying to mop): "Well, because apparently today is 'carry around your infant everywhere with you' day. Good times." Vlad: "Well why don't you just tie him to your leg? Then you can walk around like a pirate and be very cool!"

Vlad: "Chief, I need more brothers. Do they all have to get here baby-sized first, or can we get them bigger?" Me: "Well, there's always adoption." V: "What's adoption?" Me: "Some kids don't have a mom or dad anymore, so other families take them as their own." V: "Cool! Can we get three or four?" Me: "Not right now." V: "But you won't get humongeous again!"

Me (trying to wriggle Vincent out of his carseat): "Vlad, hold my purse for a sec." V: "I can't." Me: "What do you mean you can't; of course you can, take my friggin purse!" V: "I can't! Your purse is GREEN! My coat is BLUE! It does not match!"

Vlad (watching me trip and fall into the bathroom): "Man, I hope when I grow up I can walk better than you, Chief. I wanna be able to play golf!" Me (rubbing my bruised knee): "You can still play golf, Vlad." V: "Not if I'm walkin' like that."

Vladimir on the distribution of privacy: "Chief, you can't be alone, cause if Vincent needs something or there's an emergency I gotta know 'zactly where you're at and what you're doin'." (later, when I spy him pooping with his door open) "GET OUT!!! This is PRIVATE! That means BY MYSELF!!!"