The Fruit of My Womb (Part 1)

...or, "Shit My Kid Says."  More to follow.


Vlad (limping around holding his back): "oh, my aches n pains!" Me: "what's wrong, V?" Vlad: "I have a neurologic problem." Me: "if it's your spine, its an orthopedic problem." Vlad: "Actually its my spine CORD.Neurologic."

Me: "Vlad, it's bath time. Get in the tub." Vlad: "I don't need a bath, I sprayed myself with Lysol. I'm very clean now." Me: "Are you serious?? That's dangerous!!" Vlad: "Well, you clean the toilet with it." *sigh* yes, everyone, he's FINE. Just smells funny.

(at Walmart, loading groceries into Megatron [which is what Vlad named the truck]) Vlad: "Would you hurry?" (whacks me on the butt). Me: "Did you just smack my butt, Vlad?!?!?" Vlad: "No. I was just pushin on it to keep you from fallin down again."

Vlad (getting out of bed AGAIN, wearing his sports PJ bottoms): "mom I think the basketball on my butt makes it look big." Me: "Well, big butts are in. Go back to bed." Vlad: "Can I turn my pants around so its on my front?"

"So Vlad, you're gonna have a little brother!" Vlad: "Cool!" a pause. "so he'll have a weiner, right?"

Vlad (pushing his hand under my nose): "Mom. Hey. Does this smell like pee?" Me (passed out on the couch): "Mmph?" Vlad (covering my nose with his hand): "Does it?" Me (sitting up very fast): "Did you pee on your hand?!? VLAD!!" Vlad (sniffing his own hand): "Yeah. I guess I'll go wash it."

Me: "Vlad, I'm very unhappy about the fit you threw today at school." Vlad: "I am sorry. It was an accident." Me: "You seem to be a little unclear about what the definition of 'accident' is." V: "It means by reason of mental disease or defect." Me: "No it doesn't! Where did you hear that?" V: "Law and Order."

(before the parade): "Vlad, do you have to pee?" V: "Nope." (just before the Marching Tigers Band passes) "I gotta pee!" Me: "Well, can you hold it?" V:(pulling down his pants) "Nope!" (pees just as the marching band passes by) Me: "Pull up your pants! PULL UP YOUR PANTS!!! UP!!" V: "I can't stop it once it starts!"

Vlad (watching me struggle to get behind the wheel of the truck):"Do you have to bring that baby everywhere?" Me (out of breath): "Yeah, it's sort of attached, Vlad" V: "can you put him on your backside?" pauses. "No, you don't have room there either"

Parenting tip #512: when at the video store, do not allow your 3-year old to explore the movies himself, lest he discover the door to the "back room." You will then hear him yell from the door of said room, ringing across the store for all to hear "Mom! M-O-O-Om! Come look at all these BOOBS! They got all kinds!" (a pause as I streak across the store) "Hey, they got tails on all the boys too!"

Vlad (to the merry-go-round operator as he exits the ride): "Hey I tooted on that horse right there. You need to sanitize it, ok?"

Vlad (to 2 soldiers in the mall): "Hey do you know my Daddy Kelsey?" Soldier #1: "Maybe, is he in the Army?" V (making himself comfortable): "Yeah, he's in Korea but he came to see me & mommy & now I'm gonna have a brother!" Soldier #2: "Yeah, that'll happen."

Vlad: "Hey chief, whatcha eatin'?" Me: "Some tomatoes with mozarella cheese." V: "Oh. Is that what the baby wants?" Me: "No. The baby wants rocky road ice cream, I'm just not giving in to what he wants." V: "Oh. Is he in trouble too?"

Santa: "Ho ho ho, come sit on my lap!" V: "No, I'll stand right here." Me: "Vlad, get on his lap!" V: "But he's an old man! And he has a beard! I'm not supposed to!" Me: "It's ok, he's a nice guy, just get on his lap!!!" V (to Santa): "Okay. But you better not give me any candy."

Vlad: "Hey, how does Santa know where I live?" Me: "I gave him a call to give him directions." V: "That's no good. He prob'ly needs your GPS." Me: "Well, maybe Santa doesn't know how to work a GPS." V: "Yours don't work 'cause you hit it and say bad words to it. I bet you don't get any presents." Me: "I think it's bedtime."

(at a b-day party with Vlad) V: "Mom! Did you bring your thermometer?!? I need it right now!!" Me (pulling it out of my purse) "Okay, why do you need it?" V: "This girl over here, she don't feel good & I think she has an infection!" Me: "Well, we need to ask her mom if she wants to use it; you can't just go taking people's temperatures." V: "No, she said it's ok." (turning to the girl) "Okay, pull down your pants."

V: "Hey mom how are you gonna get that baby out?" Me: "Well, the doctor is going to make a little incision in my belly and pull him out." V: "How come Kelsey won't do it?" Me: "Well, baby, he's not a doctor." V: "Oh. How come you don't make Kelsey carry around the baby?" Me: "Oh, if only I could. That's one of the joys of being a man, Vlad; never being pregnant." V: "Right. And you get a weiner too."

Me: "Vlad, could you bring me a tissue?" V: "Sure, here ya go." (hands me a Kleenex, which, thank goodness, I look at before using). Me: "Are there boogers already on this?!?" V: "Yeah but only on that side."

Me: "Hey, Vlad? You're getting on my nerves a little bit." V: (continues to jump like a monkey from sofa to laundry basket) "Ok, I'll get off them in a minute." Me: "Um, why not now?" V: "Well, cause it's too much fun right now."

Vlad (watching the neighbor walk his dog): "Hey mom, are you gonna teach the baby to go potty outside?" Me: "Well, he won't be able to walk right away." V: "Maybe you could just hang his butt out the window?" Me: "The neighbors might not like that too much." V: "Yeah, they won't." a pause. "But if he pees in the house are you gonna whack him with the newspaper?"

Vlad: "Hey. Mom. Why you walkin' like that?" Me: (sighing) "Because the baby's dropped, Vlad." V: (looking around) "Dropped where?" Me: "He's still in here (pointing to my abdomen), "he's just moved down a little lower." V: "Well, you look like you have to go to the bathroom real bad."

V (watching me struggle in the tub with my foot scrubber): "Whatcha doin'?" Me: (out of breath): "Getting the callouses off my feet...this is for adults-only, just like my razor, k?" V: "K" (later at the sitter's) Me: "Sorry; I'm a little behind this morning." V (chiming in): "She was using her adults-only stuff in the bathtub."

Vlad (following my 3rd trip to the Walmart bathroom in a single shopping trip): "Chief, you're sure peein' a lot. you sure you don't got the diabetes?" Me (sanitizing frantically after leaving Walmart): "Pretty sure I don't have diabetes, V." V: "Oh yeah, that's right. You're just knocked up."

Vlad (playing house with his cousin Lilly): "Lilly you have to do what I tell you. I am the BOY. I kill bugs!" Lilly: "YOU have to listen to ME! I do all this laundry!" V: "No, I am the boss! I drive the truck! You make the dinner!!" Lilly: "Fine, I'm gonna pee in your dinner."

V (in the aftermath of a spanking for running into the road): "Mam, I'm sorry I went in the road. it was an accident." Me: "V, again, you need to learn the difference between an accident & on purpose. That was on purpose." V: "No, it was allegedly."

V: "Chief, whatcha wearin'?" Me (a little out of breath): "It's a girdle, V. It's supposed to make me look skinnier. Is it working?" V (looking me up and down): "Sure. 'Cept where your skin's sticking out."

Vlad: "Hey mam, you doin' homework again?" Me (busily typing away on Facebook): "Um, yeah. I'm doing homework, V." V: "And all those people on your Facebook, they doin' homework too?"...

Me: "VLADIMIR. You are getting on my LAST nerve." Vlad: "You sure got a lot of last nerves."

Vlad: "Mama, my abdomen hurts and it's a 7. I think I have a GI bleed." Me: "Uh oh. We'll probably have to put in an NG tube." V: "Is that the one that goes in your nose?" Me: "Yep." V: "Nevermind I'm prob'ly just hungry."

Vlad: "Hey Chief, can you feel in my nose if I have any boogers?" Me: "Do you mean look in your nose?" V: "No, I mean feel."

Vlad: "Hey mam, let's relax on the couch and watch CSI." Me: "Really? No Transformers? Why?" V (wiggling his eyebrows): "Maybe you'll fall asleep."

Vlad: "Chief, can I marry you?" Me: "Aw, that's sweet V...no, we can't get married 'cause you're my son and besides, I'm already married." V: "Well DARN it!!! Where am I s'posed to find somebody to do dishes and laundry and give me a bath and stuff?!?!?"

Vlad: "Hey mam, I can't wear my wonderwears today so I can get air on my weiner." Me: "Why in the world do you need air on your weiner?" V: "It needs fresh air and sunshine so it can grow!" Me: "You are not going outside like that."

Vlad: "Whatcha drawin on your face for, Chief?" Me: "It's my makeup, V. It's supposed to make me look pretty." Vlad: "Well you need to stay inside the lines on your eyes a little better."

Vlad: "Hey Mam, me and Vincent, we're gonna hang out in our wonderwears today okay?" Me: "Vlad you hang out in your underwear everyday. What is so different about today?" V: "Today I'm gonna show him how to burp, too." Me: "Awesome."

Sometimes, being a nurse is not always a good thing: when you have a headache, you think stroke, when you have a cut, you worry about Group A beta-hemolytic strep. This rubs off on your family. Vlad drank a ton of water after playing outside. After peeing for the 4th time in an hour, he sat beside me, took my hand, and said "Chief, I think I have an enlarged prostate."

Vlad: "Mam, c'mon, let's go swimmin', c'mooooon!!" Me: "Not today, V, we'll go tomorrow. I'm so tired I could cry." V: "PLEASE!! I HAVE TO!!" Me: "No, Vlad; I'M TIRED." V: "Well walk it off; you're not bleedin'!"

Vlad (to young lady at the pool): "Hey, I like your boobs!" Young lady's father: "Excuse me?" Me: "I am so sorry; he doesn't yet realize that's not appropriate. We're working on that." Young lady's father (eyeing my cleavage): "Well, okay." Vlad (to young lady): "I like your swimsuit top!"

Me (hearing toilet flush): "Vladimir, did you wipe your butt?" V: "No, I didn't need to." Me: "How do you figure? Last time I checked #2 wasn't normally a sterile function." V: "Didn't go #2, Chief." Me: "I saw you sitting down, V." V: "I know. Just wanted to try #1 sittin' down."

Vlad: "HEY!! Why is Vincent wearing a DRESS?? And a BRACELET?!?" Me: "It's a sleeping gown, not a dress, V. And the bracelet is a wrist rattle." Vlad: "I think you need a doll, Mam."

Vlad (watching me brush my hair): "We goin' somewhere, Chief?" Me: "Nope." V: "Well why you wearin' your hair and your makups?" Me: "In case Publishers Clearinghouse stops by with a million dollar check and a tv crew, V. I want to look nice." V: "I don't think they're comin'." Me: "I know. But just in case." V: "You could just wear my Iron Man mask."

Lady cutting Vlad's hair: "I'm going to start the clippers now...they're pretty loud, aren't they?" V: "They sure are. I think my mom has one of those. 'Cept she don't cut hair with it." Me: "He's REFERRING to my electric knife. It's pretty loud." Stylist (smirking): "Sure."

Vlad: "Where's the tape?" Me (in the kitchen): "Desk drawer; why?" V: "Just wonderin." *an hour or so passes* V (in the bathroom): "Mam!! I need scissors or somethin'!" Me (walking into the bathroom) "Why do you need...oh. Uh-oh." Vlad (tearfully): "Don't pull it off, 'kay?"

Me: "Vlad, if I have to raise my voice to you ONE more time, you're going to your room!" Vlad: "You don't HAVE to raise your voice, I don't MAKE you." a pause. "I'm going to my room now aren't I."

Me (struggling to unload Vincent from the back seat): "Vlad, stay where I can see you!" a pause, I look around. "Vladimir!! I CAN'T see you!!" V (popping his head around the back of the truck) "I'm right here!" Me: "I told you to stay where I can see you, V!" V: "Well, reg'lar size people can see me."

Vlad (looking at pictures of Clostridium botulinum online with me): "We're kinda nerds, ain't we, Chief." Me: "No, V. We're just two very cool people who happen to like looking at bacteria and viruses every once in a while. Nerds do it all the time." Vlad: "Well I still play with my other toys, then. But you for sure are a nerd."

Me, eyeing the cracked window frame resulting from V trying to climb his curtain: "Vlad, seriously? You've broken every drawer in your dresser, painted your tv, and rubbed paint off your wall. Why can't you just be good and play quietly?" V: "I try but these accidents just keep happenin." Me: "Climbing your curtain was not an accident. That was on purpose." V: "Yeah but the falling down part, that was the accident."