Sunday, 25 May 2014

Awesome things about parenting boys

With pictures.

1. They pick out things like this:
at the store "for bein' GOOD!" What is this? Well, it has one of these in it:
and yes, friends, those are dog poop bags. Which my four-year old insisted he needed. No, we don't have a dog. He did, however, spend the rest of the day following me around the house asking for poop to put in his blue bags. "Can you just get me some? I need to put poop in here. Do you gotta go to the bathroom? When you go can I go?" (follows me into the bathroom): "Hey, are you poopin' or peein'? Can I see? Can I have some for my bag?" Failing to obtain fecal matter from me, an hour later found him scrounging in the catbox trying to stuff some of her poop in his awesome blue bags. Because clearly, since he now had a container intended for poop, by Merlin's pants he was going to get some poop for those goddamn bags. 

2. Speaking of containers, this is pretty much always an awesome present for a boy:
They can be any size, and made of pretty much any material. As long as it has a lid, they can put things inside. The possibilities are endless. And speaking of things boys like to put in containers -

3. Here are some of the things my boys have collected to put in various containers:

"He's my pet!"
"I need to build something!"
"It might be a DINOSAUR!"
"I need to CLEAN the ENVIRONMENT!"
"These are neat!"
"I need to build something!"
"I can't find some of my Legos and I need to build something!"
"I need the Vampire Castle. And Hogwarts. And the one that has Lord Business!"
"I love everyone and everything EVER. Also I need more containers now. For my THINGS."

4. They like "TO WRESS":
And basically what this means is that nowhere in your house you are safe. Sitting on the sofa? "It's time TO WRESS!" Trying to cook and monitoring a boiling pot of pasta on the stove? "WE'RE GONNA WRESS!" It means that any time you walk around a corner, you first need to attach a mirror to a stick and slide it around the corner to see if anyone is hanging from a rafter wearing a mask and waiting to leap onto your head TO WRESS. It means that whenever you go shopping you have to hog tie them (which is fun and part of the game!) and toss them into your cart and never, even for a moment, take your eyes off of them because the second you do they are hiding in racks of clothing waiting to leap out of them onto unsuspecting customers TO WRESS or crawling onto the top of the changing room partitions and waiting for someone to go inside and take their pants off so they can leap on them AND WRESS. I am now jumpier than a war veteran who spent nine days trapped in a fox hole waiting for a cease fire any time I have to venture downstairs. I can't enter a room without employing tunnel-rat tactics in order to ascertain whether one of my offspring is within, waiting TO WRESS.

5. They like to do things like trick their older brothers into wearing their dirty underwear:

Here was yesterday evening, after I'd told Vlad to get ready for bed:
Me (glancing over): "Are those your brother's Superman underwear?" Vlad (looks down): "Oh. I guess. Well they were in my drawer." Me: "Vlad, Vincent was wearing those underwear YESTERDAY. How did they get in your drawer?" Husband (wandering into the bathroom): "Wow Vlad. You know, your brother doesn't wipe his butt very well. You should probably check those." Me: "What I want to know is how Vincent's dirty underwear ended up in Vlad's drawer." Vincent (piping up from the doorway): "I think Daddy sorted the laundry!"

6. Speaking of wiping one's own butt, this is approximately how much toilet paper the youngest requires after one bowel movement:
 And this is where it usually ends up:

7. Also, did you know that all of these things are weapons?
 "I need this stick because it's my gun!"
 "Don't throw that away it's my gun!"
 "Well you can't watch the tv because I need my gun!"
"I tooked your makeups out because it flips open and it's my gun!"

8. They also need tape and screwdrivers "because I have to fix everything!"
 This is currently wrapped around a stair post. Because there was a crack in it.
This was screwed into a paper plate because by god he needed to put it in SOMETHING.

9. They are artistic. Everywhere. On all the things. My oldest, soon after he learned how to write his name, decided to tag all of my books, the backs of all of my pictures, my school papers, and yes, the wall above my bed, with this legend: VLADIMIR. When asked how his name had gotten written above my bed, directly above where my head usually lay, he offered this scenario: "Maybe Vincent did it?"

Vincent wasn't quite two.  However, once Vincent learned to grasp a pen, pencil, crayon, marker, knife, screw, stick, et cetera, he far surpassed his older brother in both the amount, placement, and quality of his artistic renderings on my walls.

And he elected to cover up his acts with
To "fix" them.