Saturday, 28 May 2011

Vladisms, Part 4

Culled from my facebook statuses... see parts one, two, and three as well.

Vlad (upon being told that he will not be having PopTarts for lunch): "I am being OPPRESSIONED!" Me: "You are not being oppressed. I am guiding you in choices that you will be accountable for when you're an adult." V: "I got RIGHTS." Me: "No, you do not. You will do as I say, dress how I choose, and eat what I tell you to eat." V (triumphantly): " 'Zactly. OPPRESSION." :-/

Vlad (tooting): "Heya Mam, I tooted!" Me: "What do you say when you toot?" Vlad: "I tooted."

Vlad (hovering suspiciously over my shoulder): "Um, hey. Don't look in the kitchen, okay?" Me (still doing homework): "Why?" V: "Well... Maybe there's a fire but don't get mad!" Me (jumping up to find the smoldering remains of my magazine next to the candle on the kitchen table): "VLADIMIR THERE'S A FIRE!!!" V: "I just told you..." (a pause). "You're mad, aren't you."

Vlad (to lady at commissary): "Hey, you got some boys for me to play with?" Lady: "No, but I have a little girl who can play with you!" V (eyeing Little Girl up and down): "Well, how fast can she run?" Girl: "I run FAST and I PUNCH you too!" V (to lady): "We'll take her but she got to wipe her own butt, okay?"

Vlad (streaking past me into my room): "Mom I gotta poop in your bathroom okay?!?" Me (standing up and peering down the hall into his bathroom): "Why; what's wrong with yours?" V (yelling from my bathroom): "I don't want to mess up my experiment!"

Vlad (explaining why he removed his closet door from its hinges): "If there's no door, no monsters can come out." Me: "I can't prove 100% that monsters aren't in there. But what if I told you the chances were very tiny?" V: "Well I don't think there's lots of starving kids but I always eat all my pizza." Me: "But you don't eat all your meatloaf." V: "That's for the starving kids. They need the good food."

Me: "Vlad, can you hand me a diaper please?" V: "Um, no." Me: "It's right there." V: "Can't." Me: "HAND ME THE DIAPER. Furthermore, you need to be a little more helpful; your future wife will appreciate it." V: "Not gettin' married. Or be a doctor." Me: "What are you going to do when you grow up, then?" V: "I'm gonna be an evil genius. I will be awesome. And I will not change diapers." Me: "Good luck with that."

Vlad (munching contentedly on a banana): "Heya, Chief, you think weiners ever get as big as bananas?" Me (choking on my Sprite): ... Vlad (still pondering): "Or do they stay kinda hot-dog size?" Me: "Well. Um. You have a lot of time to grow." Vlad: "Awesome."

Vlad (sprawling with Vincent in my closet): "Chief, me and Vincent, we're just best friends, aren't we." Me: "Aw, that's sweet, V." Vlad: "Yeah, we're gonna share everything; towels, crackers, all our girlfriends..." Me: "Chill out there Charlie Sheen."

(this next post isn't Vlad, but will be, in a few more years):
Husband (looking at the mini cinnamon rolls): "Wow, those are tiny babe." Me: "Yeah, I made two packages 'cause remember when I got them last time? I didn't realize they were mini ones, so I put them in the oven and sort of hoped they'd get bigger." Husband: "They're not penises, babe."

Vlad: "Heya, Chief, how does Voldemort and Megatron blow their noses?" Me: "Um, hm. I actually have no idea." Vlad: "I bet they got lots of boogers then. That's why they're so mean." Me: "That could very well be." Vlad: "And they had a bad childhood."

My carry-on has essentials such as my iPad, laptop, gum, change of clothing, etc. Vladimir's carry-on has Spiderman, Big Show, a shield, a pirate hat, an Army cap, and ONE sock. Why just one? "Well, I prob'ly won't lose two, I always lose just one. So I'll just have the one. Just in case."

Vlad: "Hey Chief, send Vincent outside with me so we can do our Guy Stuff." Me: "What, exactly, does Guy Stuff entail?" V: "We're gonna shoot squirrels and stay out of the road and play with Lassie and get dirty and Vincent will prob'ly try to eat her food." Me: "Sounds like a plan. I'll get his jacket."

Vladimir (upon seeing a fully equipped bull): "WOW. That's gotta be the biggest wiener I have EVER seen." Me: "Definitely bigger than a banana."

Lilly: "Aunt Lee-yah, DD won't share any of his crackers with me!" Me: "Share your crackers, Vlad, that's not nice!" (V hands one to Lil) Me: "Now, what do you say, Lilly?" Lil: "Thank you, David!" Me: "And what do *you* say, Vlad?" V: "Stop bein' a tattle-tale."

Vlad (as I'm scrubbing his back in the bathtub): "Hey, my weiner needs washed." Me: "You already washed it, twice, V." V: "Well, it needs washed again." Me: "If you would spend a fraction of the amount of time washing behind your ears and your knees as you do on your weiner, you would be an exceptionally clean boy." V: "Well, washin' my ears and knees ain't as fun!"

Verizon chick to Vlad: "Do you need a cell phone too buddy?" V: "No, I don't want lots of girls callin' me all the time, or sendin' pictures and talkin' and stuff" Verizon chick: "Oh I bet you'll change your mind in a few years." V: "Definitely not. Ever." Chick: "Even when you're a grown up?" V: "Nope. Women are crazy."

(as we walk out the door) Vlad: "Heya, Chief, I think you forgot your pants." Apparently he has never seen me wear a dress :-/

Vlad: "Chief, after I'm done pooping I'm not gonna wash my hands 'cause I'm gonna destroy Megatron." Me: "How is not washing your hands going to help you do that? You ARE going to wash them, by the way." V: "He will die a messy and dis-GUSTIN' death from a STAPH infection!" Me: "Staph in feces is usually nonpathogenic. Wash your hands." V: "FINE. I'll just use a GUN, and it will be A LOT NOISIER."

(watching Kill Bill 2 AGAIN; after Bill's Superman speech) V: "Actually Superman ain't the only one." munches popcorn. "Optimus Prime is a real hero." Me: "Well, what he's saying is that the other guys are normal, and they turn into a hero; Superman is normal as his disguise. Optimus Prime isn't a disguise." V: "Yes he is; he disguises as a semi truck!" Me: "Wow. I just got pwnd by a five-year old."  Vlad: "AND, Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark don't actually have special powers, they are just rich and geniuses so they can be Batman and Iron Man. Peter Parker is just accidentally a superhero 'cause he got bit." Me: "Interesting. Well I hope if you accidentally get super powers you will use them to be good, and not bad." V: "I won't be bad, 'cause then you will put me in time out and won't let me watch tv." Me: Batman and Iron Man must have pretty good moms, then." V: "Yeah. Or just really cranky."

Girl at KFC: "Do you want two breasts, or a breast and another piece?" Vlad (piping up): "Well, a'course she wants two; why would she only want one?" KFC chick (who was possibly a bit clueless): "Well, the two breast meal costs a little more, guy." Me: "You are certainly correct."

Me (trying to keep Vincent corralled as I search for a diaper): "Vincent, sit! Stay there!" Vladimir: "Vincent, roll over!"

Me (upon seeing the cereal Vlad spilled onto the floor): "VLADIMIR! Clean it up NOW." Vlad (to Vincent): "Now see, when she talks like that, you got to listen, 'cause she is ANGRY."

Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Ever Helpful Vladimir: "well she didn't stop all the way at the red sign and she's prob'ly goin' too fast. And she said shit when you got your lights on her." Officer: "He don't miss much, does he?" Me: "No, he doesn't. THANK YOU VLADIMIR." V: "it's no problem."

Vlad (to counter chick @ McDonald's): "Hey, this Kung Fu Pamda guy? He don't do what the 'structions say; it does not work!" Dudette: "Um, sorry, I can let my boss know..." V: "Just let 'er know, and if you have any more questions just call my mom's phone. I know a lot about toys; it's kind of my job."

Vlad: "You're beautiful, Mommy." Me: "Aw, thanks, love." V: "Am I beautiful?" Me: "I think you are, but some people would probably say you're handsome instead." V: "What's handsome?" Me: "It's a word that describes usually a good-looking man, and beautiful a good-looking woman, but really either one can be used for either sex." V: "What's sex?" Me: "Ask daddy."

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Since I've Been Lazy...

... well, not lazy; I've been moving, working, getting school set up (gonna be a doctor, people; go me!) and chasing my now-walking one-year old all over the place.  Thus, I'm a little behind on my posting.  So, until I have a bit to settle down and catch you all up on AleahWorld, I'm posting a couple guest posts... one from a birthing blog called Birth Without Fear, which I am no longer allowed to comment on (I'm also not allowed to comment on her facebook page because of some common sense I was posting on this thread; my comments were deleted so if you wander that way, you'll miss a good portion of the conversation - though I'll be happy to fill you in if you'd like).

Anyhoo, Mrs. BWF (whom I affectionately refer to as Mrs. Boof) recently reposted a blog written by her husband, (Mr. Boof), lamenting his personal battle with husbandly male postpartum depression that was only healed by watching his wife's home birth.  After laughing my ass off, a *cough* friend of mine ;-) made her husband write about his own personal journey with male PPD, which was posted at The Mama Tao - which is a great blog; if you like parody and have a sense of humor, you'll love it.  My *cough* friend also wrote a few other guest posts for Mama T; a few neato ideas for breastmilk and a personal favorite, Battle Hymn of the Dolphin Mother.

A word of caution: if you're ├╝ber crunchy and can't poke a little fun at yourself sometimes (or get offended when others do so), Mama Tao might not be for you.  And if you do read, and get offended, please leave me a detailed comment about it.  Please.  Peace out, people; I have a virology course I am just dying to get started on (end sarcasm) ;-)