Sunday, 2 January 2011

The Fruit of My Womb (Part 2)

Vlad (peeling open one of my eyes while I try to nap): "Hey Chief! Wake up! Let's play!" Me (rolling over): "Lemme alone; I'm tired." V (patting my hair): "You're so pretty. You don't need a nap." Me (perking up): "Well, okay. What are we playing?" V: "The Titans! I am the hero Perseus! You are the evil Medusa!" Me: "Thanks, son."

Vlad (munching contentedly on cashews and almonds): "These are 'alicious! Better than PaPaw's. Definitely." Me: "I thought you liked PaPaw's peanuts. You sure ate a lot when we were over there the other day." Vlad: "I wasn't eatin' them. I was just chewin' all the salty off and puttin' them back."

Vlad (flying into my bed): "Mam, there's an alien in my closet with gooey green teeth and purple eyes and he's scratchin' the door and he got strep! Can I sleep with you?" Me (throwing back the covers and scooting over): "Sure thing." V: "Arentcha gonna go look?" Me: "Nope."

*thump* Me: "Vlad, knock it off." *thump* "I mean it, V!" *THUMP* "Stop kicking the wall!" *thump thump* "Stop it or YOU ARE IN TROUBLE!" ......... *THUMPTHUMPTHUMP* "VLADIMIR! What part of 'stop it or you're in trouble do you not understand?!?" V: "The last part."

Vlad (watching me run bathwater): "Bath night AGAIN?!?" Me: "Don't say it like that, V; it implies that you don't take baths very often." V: "What's 'implies'?" Me (testing the water temp): " til I'm done with this; I can't think of how to explain it right this second." V: "Why you gotta use words that you don't know what they mean?"

Vlad (patting my hair): "Heya, Chief, how come I don't have all this yellow hair like you and Vincent?" Me: "Well, you have to be born with it. You were born with very dark hair." V: "Oh. Is Vincent gonna have to go to the hair lady to keep getting the yellow put on like you?"

Vlad (in the movie store): "So. Movie girl. What movies you got?" MG: "Well, what are you looking for?" V (leaning against the counter): "Oh, you know, lotsa guns and T Rex and big crashes and shootin'. No boobs. Somethin' good."

Vlad (watching me brush my teeth): "Chief, you're beautiful. Like a flower. Like a pizza. Like Darth Vader." Me: "Thanks, V. You really know how to talk to a woman." Vlad: "Yeah, I get that from you." 

Me: "Stop annoying your brother, Vlad." V: "What's 'annoying'?" Me: "The stuff you do that gets on my nerves." V: "How many nerves does Vincent have?" Me: "The same as you and I; billions." V: "You don't get more while you're growing?" Me: "Well you can create new pathways but essentially you have the same number." V: "Wow, I hope you don't run out then."

Vlad (pushing his fish toward me): "Chief, I can't eat this." Me: "And why not? It's awesome!" V: "Well, I need it to have livers and guts and a spleen and eyes!" Me: "Sure thing, Hannibal. Would you like me to serve it with some fava beans and a nice Chianti?"

"What bedtime movie do you want, V?" V: "Kill Bill 2." (as I tuck him in) "so, if you get mad at my Chelsy are you gonna chase him all over the world with your sword?" Me: "No, I will talk about it with him calmly and we will come to a compromise." V: "Yeah. Then you will CHOP him." Me: "How about Peter Pan before bed?"

Vlad: "I think we're lost." Me: "We are not lost." V: "Okay; you're just drivin' by imagination then?"

Vlad: "So, the bug killin', is that the man's job?" Me: "It sure is." Vlad: "Aaand the lawn mowin', that's the man's job too?" Me: "You guessed it." Vlad: "So it's the mom's job to tell the man what his job is?" Me: "Exactly right."

Vlad (to boy on playground): "Hi, I'm Vladimir, I'm from the United States of America!" Boy on playground: "Me too." Vlad: "Well, darn it."

Vlad: "Heya, Chief, my room and my bathroom, that's my apartment, okay? Cause I'm a grownup now. And this here is your apartment." Me: "Okay. So who gets the kitchen?" V: "Well, you can have it." Me: "But how are you going to eat?" V: "Well, when you fix food, just put some in my room." Me: "But I thought you were a grownup. Can't you fix your own food?" V: "Now you know that grownup boys don't fix their own food!"

"Vlad, you can use the same spoon on your other pudding." V: "No I can't!! You have to clean it!!" Me: "So I guess you're going to be doing the dishes then?" V: "No, I don't do dishes; YOU do dishes, and Kelsey plays golf!!" (while Husband snickers in the background). 

Vlad: "Chief, I am sorry for pushing the red button again." Me: "Thank you. Your apology is accepted." V: "Now you have to say sorry for punishing me." Me: "No, I do not. You did something wrong, so your punishment is justified." V: "WHY DO ONLY BOYS HAVE TO SAY THEY'RE SORRY?!?!?"

Vlad: "What's for dinner, Chief?" Me: "Italian chicken with parmesan and farfalle pasta with dill." Vlad: "EW, that's disgustin'! I ain't eatin' that!!" Me: "Okay, we're having chicken and bowtie noodles." Vlad: "Now THAT sounds delicious."

Vlad: "CHIEF! It's time to wipe my butt!" Me: "Seriously, Vlad, what are you going to do when you go to college? I won't be wiping your butt then." V: "I will have some lady wipe my butt for me." Me: "Pretty sure you won't find a girl at school to wipe it for you." V: "Sure they will. People do all kindsa things when they're in college."

Me (hopping around on one foot while cradling the other): "CRAPCRAPCRAP!!!" Vlad: "What's wrong, Chief?" Me: "I smashed my toe in the closet door ANDITHURTS!!!" Vlad: "Shake it off, it ain't bleedin'." Me: "ACTUALLY, it IS bleeding, Baby Einstein, LOOK!" Vlad (peering at my broken appendage): "Shake it harder then."

Me (walking in on Vlad doing the Naked Wiggle Dance in front of his mirror): "What are you doing??" V: "I'm shakin' it, Chief. All the guys do it." Me: "Really? Why would all the guys do this?" V (looking at me like I'm an idiot): "Cause we got WEINERS. That's what you do when you have a WEINER."

Vlad (playing with Vincent's toy steering wheel): "THE LIGHT IS GREEN!!!" (lays on the horn). "GET OFF THE ROAD IF YOU CAN'T DRIVE; ARE YOU BLIND OR JUST AN IDIOT?!?!?!?" Oops.

Vlad: "Heya, mam, Vincent just pulled my lip right here and I'm not bleedin but it hurts!" Me: "Well, he didn't mean to, Vlad; he's just a baby." Vlad: "So he's not guilty just 'cause he's a BABY?!?!?" Me: "Yes. And when he's older he'll be not guilty because of his childhood. I'm setting the stage for your defense; you'll thank me in a few years."

Vlad (yelling from his bathroom): "Hey, Chief! If I pee a lot, do I got the diabetes?" Me: "I'm pretty sure you don't have diabetes, V. Lots of things make you pee a lot. You've probably just been drinking more." V: "Yeah. Or maybe I'm pregnant."

Vlad (slurping his chicken noodle soup): "Man, Korean food is delicious!" Me: "I'm glad you think so! But this is actually American." Vlad (slurping another spoonful): "Well, it has a Korean taste to it."

"Vlad, tomorrow is Thanksgiving! Do you know what that day means?" V: "Sure do! Christopher Columbus went to the United States of America and SLAUGHTERED UP all the INDIANS and then he and his pirate friends ATE THEM ALL UP and then put on their feathers and danced around a big fire without their pants on!! It was AWESOME!"

Vlad (poking at the rhinestones on the back pocket of my jeans): "Hey, are these here so that the males can tell you're ready to mate?" Me: "I don't think you need to watch any more National Geographic."

Vlad: "Hey Chief, whatcha doin?" Me: "Registering for my college classes." V: "School, school, SCHOOL!!!! Ain't you ever gonna be smart enough?" Me: "Don't you want me to be an almost-doctor?" V: "No, I want you to be a pizza chef. And learn to make PIZZA. That's what you need to do." Me: "Ask Daddy to be a pizza chef." V: "No he's gonna play golf and yell at people."

Vlad: "Chief, I got an idea. After you do the laundry and clean my bathroom and make supper and clean the dishes, you and me, we're gonna FIGHT like PIRATES!" Me: "Well, V, I think after I do the laundry and clean the bathroom and make dinner, I'm going to be rather tired. That's a lot of work, you know." V: "Yeah. You should tell Kelsey to pay you more."

Vlad (hearing me walk into a wall and the subsequent unrepeatable epithet): "What's wrong?" Me: "NOTHING. I hit my head on the wall, that's all." Vlad: "You prob'ly need to quit walking. You're not very good at it."

Vlad: "Hey, Chief, let's go outside and pee in the snow!" Me: "I'll decline, thanks." Vlad: "C'mon, take off your pants and act like a man!"

Vlad (marching up in his pirate costume): "Chief! You need to fix pizza and cookies for me and all my men!" Me: "All of your men? What are you doing?" V: "We're gonna take over the world! But you have to feed us first." Me: "Well, you and all your men need to wash your hands first." V (stomping to the bathroom): "FINE! We'll be the ONLY ARMY IN THE WORLD who destroys everything with CLEAN HANDS."

Vlad (yelling from his room): Hey CHIEF! I got one in the HEAD!" Upon running into his room, I discovered he was pelting the people below with candy canes and laughing manaically.

"Now sit there and behave until it's time to go." V: "Why?" Me: "'Cause I don't want you to get dirty." V: "I can't do NOTHIN'?" Me: "No." V: "Can I burp?" Me: "No, Vladimir." V: "Can I toot?" Me: "NO. Just sit there and behave!" V: "Well, tryin' to behave is prob'ly gonna get me dirty."

Me (singing along to The Little Mermaid): ♪♬ "Poor un-FOR-tunate SOULS!" ♪♬ V: "Can you stop singing? I'm trying to eat my breakfast." Me: "I'll stop after you're done eating." V (eyeing his overly ripe banana): "Nevermind. You already turned my banana brown."

Vlad (yelling from his balcony): "Hey you funny lookin' kids! Get OFF my LAWN!" Me (running into his room): "V, get away from the window!" (to the kids outside): "Sorry; he watches Monster House a lot." Kid: "Well, it's not his lawn!" V (jumping in front of me again): "It is too! I pee out my window right where you're standing ALL the TIME."

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