How I Wrote My Research Paper

Ah, Composition and Literature with Mr. Tucker.  I turned this in along with my research paper.  He gave me A's on both :)


(2008)
JUNE 10: Receive reaserch assignment. Check due date. Laugh and toss syllabus in folder at bottom of bag.

JUNE 30: Field questions from professor on status of research paper. Assure professor that it's "in the works."

JULY 4: Spend weekend camping in rain and sleeping (briefly) on leaky air mattress. Swear never to go camping again.

JULY 7: Pull research topic out of thin air and madly type up proposal; hand in to professor at the end of class.

JULY 9: Skip class to race around library, collecting literature and case studies for research paper. Hand in working bibliography; assure professor its "all under control."

JULY 22: Shove hastily typed 2-page rough draft under professor's office door, slink out of school.

JULY 27:
1pm -- 24 hours remaining. Go home after relaxing sunday dinner, put Baby Einstein down to nap, and industriously gather notes, books, interviews, etc for research paper.

1:15pm: Realize there is no chocolate in house. Pack Baby Einstein into car (naturally he isn't sleeping yet) and drive to CVS to pick out several delicious brain-boosting snacks.

1:45: on the way out of the store, run into guy from class. Ask how his paper-writing is going; he smugly announces he is just dashing inside to pick out a clear plastic binder to put his completed reserch paper in. After shooting him a dirty look, stalk out to car and slam door.

1:55: upon arriving home, tuck Baby Einstein back down for a nap. Re-gather notes and interviews, shuffling papers industriously and try to feel studious.

1:57: have a piece of chocolate. Decide a pot of creme brulee coffee would go marvelously with it.

2:00pm -- 23 hours remaining. Realize I haven't planned out the evening meal yet. Hop online to peruse recipes.

2:45: check myspace messages. Reply to each and every comment and message.

3:45: sit down at computer and shuffle notes and interviews. Notice that computer screen is a bit smudged.

4:00: realize that while baby einstein is napping, it would be a great time to catch up on laundry! Wash every dirty article of clothing in the house. Dry it. Fold it carefully and put it all away.

6:00pm -- 19 hours remaining: engage in text and picture messaging session . Assist father and brother in putting up curtains (finally!) in living room.

7:00: prepare delicious dinner for Baby Einstein. Sit down to eat with him. Discuss preschool, coloring, not smashing crackers into freshly vacuumed carpet. Try to interpret his replies.

7:45: peel noodles out of hair, shirt, floor, ears. Decide to put off writing paper until Baby Einstein is bathed and in bed.

8:45: sit down at computer. Go over assignment carefully. Go over notes carefully. Decide they need to be rewritten.

9:15 -- 15 hours and 45 minutes remaining: Decide to take a break and finish up season 5 of Nip/Tuck.

10:15pm: decide that a nice hot bath will be just the thing to get me in paper-writing mode. Run hot water. Put smelly stuff in water, soak and congratulate self on still having 14 hours and 45 minutes to write paper.

11:00pm: call sister and ask how she liked The Dark Knight. Discuss the plot, plans for the weekend, for Christmas, and for Easter. Ask her what she's wearing just to be creepy.

11:45: engage in a little light stalking online. Send messages to people I haven't chatted with in a while, inquiring after their health, families, jobs, etc.

1:00am: turn on Microsoft Word. Type name, teacher's name, class, date, and title of document

1:15am: save document, just to be safe.

1:16am: wipe smudge off computer screen.

1:17am: debate going to bed and just getting up super early to write paper. Decide that would be a very bad idea.

1:48am: check myspace again, replying to messages.  Spend time on photobucket finding the perfect humorous comment to send to people.

3:00am -- 10 hours remaining: reorganize notes, then spread them all out on the floor.

4:15am: check to make sure Microsoft Word saved document; turn off computer, restart, and check again to make sure Microsoft Word saves documents even when the computer is off.

4:30: realize dishes are still sitting in sink from dinner! Do dishes. Decide now would be a perfect time to clean out pipes under sink. Take apart pipes, de-goo, carefully reassemble. Do the same under the bathroom sink.

5:30am: decide a shower is in order to degrime from doing "man's work."

6:00am: make another pot of coffee, sit on porch and watch sun rise.

6:09am: sit down at computer. get back up and walk through notes, running the gist of the paper through head. Wonder what the chances are of a meteor hitting the house.

6:15am: sit down at the computer and google that very information. Decide the chances are slim to none of that happening.

6:30am: check myspace again.

7:15am: lie on the floor amidst notes and interviews and quietly panic.

7:30am -- 5 hours and 30 minutes remaining: Baby Einstein wakes up. demands a clean diaper, fresh milk, and Spongebob.

8:15am: Drop Baby Einstein off at school. Return home to write that paper!

8:30am: call sister, moan about paper not being written. Discuss whether procrastination runs in our family. Discuss the handwashing scene in The Dark Knight. Again, ask her what she's wearing, just to be creepy.

8:31am: sit down at computer, viciously kicking notes and interviews out of the way. Make derogetory remarks about the assignment, the professor, the college, the world in general.

9:00am: re-type the title to the Microsoft Word document, make sure Microsoft Word can handle saving the change.

9:10am: check myspace again

11:26am -- 1 hour and 34 minutes remaining: answer call from Kelsey. Admit paper isn't quite written yet. Discuss plans for next week. Ask him what he's wearing, just to be creepy.

11:31am: panic a little less quietly. Beat head on keyboard. Remember that beating head against wall burns 150 calories an hour.

11:44am: frantically write paper, tossing notes and interviews around the room as needed.

1:00pm: race wildly down the corrider at school with freshly printed research paper encased in a clear plastic binder quickly purchased from CVS. Narrowly miss colliding with Mr. Matthews, whose class was skipped this morning in order to write paper. Wave paper at him in explanation.

1:01pm: dash into classroom and skid to a stop in front of professor, paper in hand. Realize entire class is staring.

1:02pm: resist the urge to staple professor to his chalkboard as he informs everyone they can just hand in their paper at the end of the week; everyone is free to go.