Saturday, 27 August 2011

Vladimir Does Walmart

This all occurred during one - ONE, trip to Walmart. I'm going to start podcasting my errand runs.

Me (as we walk into Walmart): "Vladimir, you're to behave in here. I mean it; no running, no dancing, BEHAVE. You got that?" Vlad (saluting) "Yes, SIR!"

As we enter the store... Vlad: "Chief, I am A ROBOT. A ROBOT. A ROBOT." Me: "Well robot yourself out of the middle of the walkway, please." Vlad: "I. CAN NOT. I NEED KY JELLY FIRST." Lady passing by: "Did he say KY jelly?" Vlad: "YES. IN THE BOTTLE WITH THE RED CAP."

As we walk through the school supply aisle, we pass a black gentleman with his daughters. Vlad (planting himself in the middle aisle, palm outstretched): "HALT, O DARK NIGHT." Me (closing my eyes, wishing I could quietly disappear): "I am so sorry..." Dude: "It's cool; he'll learn, hey?" Vlad: "SILENCE, HEATHEN." Me: "OH, my god, Vladimir! I am SO SORRY; we are from a really tiny town in the midwest..." Dude: "No worries. Keep fightin' the good fight, little man." Which was about a thousand times more polite than he had to be.

Vlad: "Chief, we're under attack! Save yourself!" (takes off down the crafts aisle). Me: "VLADIMIR, STOP! THIS INSTANT!! GET BACK HERE!" Vlad (turning around, salutes me again): "Yes, my Evil Queen." We continue through the store. Other people start to notice our passage. 

Walking past the underwear aisle, Vladimir yanks a size 48DDD off a rack. "Check me out, I look SEXY!" (prances around with the bra wrapped around him like a cape). Me (in a furious whisper): "Put it back! Put it back!!!" Vlad (holding it aloft for all to see): "This is GINORMOUS. This belongs to the lady with THE BIGGEST BOOBS EVER." Me (no longer whispering): "GODDAMMIT! PUT IT DOWN!" Vlad: "Okay, okay. It's really like a big parachute though. Huge."

Entering the baked goods area... Vlad (making explosive noises as he pretends to shoot imaginary foes): "Take THAT, MEGATRON!" (continues blasting) Me: "Vlad! Stop shooting!" Vladimir: "But I gotta kill all these Decepticons, they are EVERYWHERE!!" A younger couple, probably too young to have kids of their own, start laughing. Me: "Kill them SILENTLY." Vlad: "Well I'm sorry but there's just no way to shoot a bazooka silently."

Spying a tiny old lady looking at the bread selection: "Look, Chief! She looks just like Yoda!"

As I look at the cereal, I realize Vladimir isn't by the cart. I look around just as he hops on the back of a woman's motorized shopping cart. "MOTHER! I GOT A RIDE HOME OKAY?"

Almost to the exit, when Vlad spies a cardboard girl in a football cheerleader's uniform. "Chief, check out her BOOBS. They are GINORMOUS!" Me (grabbing his arm and propelling him out the door): "Stop talking about boobs!" Vlad: "Why?" Me: "'Cause it's rude, Vlad, okay?" Vlad (patting my chest): "Okay. I'll just look then."

I really need a drink.


Kimberly said...

Whatever will you do when he begins driving???!! ;)

Aleah said...

Have bail money handy. It's all I can do.

Anonymous said...

Your son is the most precocious child the world has seen in the past several centuries. In fact, I think that people like him tend to get titles of "The Great" or "The Terrible" during their struggles to take over the world... and woe unto any who speak against them!!
-Josh, AKA: Suzi's other (almost as good?) half

trinity said...

I really want to know how he knows what KY is.

One time a 4 year old Sam spied a man with several face piercings while we were in a doctor's waiting room.He came screeching over to me and yelled 'What happened to his FACE?!'

Aleah said...

Ah, thanks, Josh. Please remember those remarks if our children ever happen to get married ;).

And Trinity - while we were in Korea Vincent got into the KY (pictures in one of my Korea albums on fb). Vlad had to help me catch him (he was slipperier than a slime eel).

Rain Clair said...

You're son better grow up to write sci-fi stories. Trinity, I have a Medusa piercing and my 3 year old niece said, "Rain, what's you got's in your face?" I said, "It's a diamond." my niece said, "Why you got's a diamond in your face?" I said "Because I felt like it and I thought it was pretty." she looked at me sideways for a second and said, "I don't know why you'd feel like that? Okay though I love you let's go make my Barbie a dress!" then when I told her I didn't know how to make Barbie a dress she got really upset and said, "Then you better find my Nana she can do anything! You can't though and you her baby she told me." HAHAHA!

JR Steele said...

I swear I read this whole thing 4 times, but all I could come away with was the red cap and Boobs. huh