Saturday, 28 May 2011

Vladisms, Part 4

Culled from my facebook statuses... see parts one, two, and three as well.

Vlad (upon being told that he will not be having PopTarts for lunch): "I am being OPPRESSIONED!" Me: "You are not being oppressed. I am guiding you in choices that you will be accountable for when you're an adult." V: "I got RIGHTS." Me: "No, you do not. You will do as I say, dress how I choose, and eat what I tell you to eat." V (triumphantly): " 'Zactly. OPPRESSION." :-/

Vlad (tooting): "Heya Mam, I tooted!" Me: "What do you say when you toot?" Vlad: "I tooted."

Vlad (hovering suspiciously over my shoulder): "Um, hey. Don't look in the kitchen, okay?" Me (still doing homework): "Why?" V: "Well... Maybe there's a fire but don't get mad!" Me (jumping up to find the smoldering remains of my magazine next to the candle on the kitchen table): "VLADIMIR THERE'S A FIRE!!!" V: "I just told you..." (a pause). "You're mad, aren't you."

Vlad (to lady at commissary): "Hey, you got some boys for me to play with?" Lady: "No, but I have a little girl who can play with you!" V (eyeing Little Girl up and down): "Well, how fast can she run?" Girl: "I run FAST and I PUNCH you too!" V (to lady): "We'll take her but she got to wipe her own butt, okay?"

Vlad (streaking past me into my room): "Mom I gotta poop in your bathroom okay?!?" Me (standing up and peering down the hall into his bathroom): "Why; what's wrong with yours?" V (yelling from my bathroom): "I don't want to mess up my experiment!"

Vlad (explaining why he removed his closet door from its hinges): "If there's no door, no monsters can come out." Me: "I can't prove 100% that monsters aren't in there. But what if I told you the chances were very tiny?" V: "Well I don't think there's lots of starving kids but I always eat all my pizza." Me: "But you don't eat all your meatloaf." V: "That's for the starving kids. They need the good food."

Me: "Vlad, can you hand me a diaper please?" V: "Um, no." Me: "It's right there." V: "Can't." Me: "HAND ME THE DIAPER. Furthermore, you need to be a little more helpful; your future wife will appreciate it." V: "Not gettin' married. Or be a doctor." Me: "What are you going to do when you grow up, then?" V: "I'm gonna be an evil genius. I will be awesome. And I will not change diapers." Me: "Good luck with that."

Vlad (munching contentedly on a banana): "Heya, Chief, you think weiners ever get as big as bananas?" Me (choking on my Sprite): ... Vlad (still pondering): "Or do they stay kinda hot-dog size?" Me: "Well. Um. You have a lot of time to grow." Vlad: "Awesome."

Vlad (sprawling with Vincent in my closet): "Chief, me and Vincent, we're just best friends, aren't we." Me: "Aw, that's sweet, V." Vlad: "Yeah, we're gonna share everything; towels, crackers, all our girlfriends..." Me: "Chill out there Charlie Sheen."

(this next post isn't Vlad, but will be, in a few more years):
Husband (looking at the mini cinnamon rolls): "Wow, those are tiny babe." Me: "Yeah, I made two packages 'cause remember when I got them last time? I didn't realize they were mini ones, so I put them in the oven and sort of hoped they'd get bigger." Husband: "They're not penises, babe."

Vlad: "Heya, Chief, how does Voldemort and Megatron blow their noses?" Me: "Um, hm. I actually have no idea." Vlad: "I bet they got lots of boogers then. That's why they're so mean." Me: "That could very well be." Vlad: "And they had a bad childhood."

My carry-on has essentials such as my iPad, laptop, gum, change of clothing, etc. Vladimir's carry-on has Spiderman, Big Show, a shield, a pirate hat, an Army cap, and ONE sock. Why just one? "Well, I prob'ly won't lose two, I always lose just one. So I'll just have the one. Just in case."

Vlad: "Hey Chief, send Vincent outside with me so we can do our Guy Stuff." Me: "What, exactly, does Guy Stuff entail?" V: "We're gonna shoot squirrels and stay out of the road and play with Lassie and get dirty and Vincent will prob'ly try to eat her food." Me: "Sounds like a plan. I'll get his jacket."

Vladimir (upon seeing a fully equipped bull): "WOW. That's gotta be the biggest wiener I have EVER seen." Me: "Definitely bigger than a banana."

Lilly: "Aunt Lee-yah, DD won't share any of his crackers with me!" Me: "Share your crackers, Vlad, that's not nice!" (V hands one to Lil) Me: "Now, what do you say, Lilly?" Lil: "Thank you, David!" Me: "And what do *you* say, Vlad?" V: "Stop bein' a tattle-tale."

Vlad (as I'm scrubbing his back in the bathtub): "Hey, my weiner needs washed." Me: "You already washed it, twice, V." V: "Well, it needs washed again." Me: "If you would spend a fraction of the amount of time washing behind your ears and your knees as you do on your weiner, you would be an exceptionally clean boy." V: "Well, washin' my ears and knees ain't as fun!"

Verizon chick to Vlad: "Do you need a cell phone too buddy?" V: "No, I don't want lots of girls callin' me all the time, or sendin' pictures and talkin' and stuff" Verizon chick: "Oh I bet you'll change your mind in a few years." V: "Definitely not. Ever." Chick: "Even when you're a grown up?" V: "Nope. Women are crazy."

(as we walk out the door) Vlad: "Heya, Chief, I think you forgot your pants." Apparently he has never seen me wear a dress :-/

Vlad: "Chief, after I'm done pooping I'm not gonna wash my hands 'cause I'm gonna destroy Megatron." Me: "How is not washing your hands going to help you do that? You ARE going to wash them, by the way." V: "He will die a messy and dis-GUSTIN' death from a STAPH infection!" Me: "Staph in feces is usually nonpathogenic. Wash your hands." V: "FINE. I'll just use a GUN, and it will be A LOT NOISIER."

(watching Kill Bill 2 AGAIN; after Bill's Superman speech) V: "Actually Superman ain't the only one." munches popcorn. "Optimus Prime is a real hero." Me: "Well, what he's saying is that the other guys are normal, and they turn into a hero; Superman is normal as his disguise. Optimus Prime isn't a disguise." V: "Yes he is; he disguises as a semi truck!" Me: "Wow. I just got pwnd by a five-year old."  Vlad: "AND, Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark don't actually have special powers, they are just rich and geniuses so they can be Batman and Iron Man. Peter Parker is just accidentally a superhero 'cause he got bit." Me: "Interesting. Well I hope if you accidentally get super powers you will use them to be good, and not bad." V: "I won't be bad, 'cause then you will put me in time out and won't let me watch tv." Me: Batman and Iron Man must have pretty good moms, then." V: "Yeah. Or just really cranky."

Girl at KFC: "Do you want two breasts, or a breast and another piece?" Vlad (piping up): "Well, a'course she wants two; why would she only want one?" KFC chick (who was possibly a bit clueless): "Well, the two breast meal costs a little more, guy." Me: "You are certainly correct."

Me (trying to keep Vincent corralled as I search for a diaper): "Vincent, sit! Stay there!" Vladimir: "Vincent, roll over!"

Me (upon seeing the cereal Vlad spilled onto the floor): "VLADIMIR! Clean it up NOW." Vlad (to Vincent): "Now see, when she talks like that, you got to listen, 'cause she is ANGRY."

Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Ever Helpful Vladimir: "well she didn't stop all the way at the red sign and she's prob'ly goin' too fast. And she said shit when you got your lights on her." Officer: "He don't miss much, does he?" Me: "No, he doesn't. THANK YOU VLADIMIR." V: "it's no problem."

Vlad (to counter chick @ McDonald's): "Hey, this Kung Fu Pamda guy? He don't do what the 'structions say; it does not work!" Dudette: "Um, sorry, I can let my boss know..." V: "Just let 'er know, and if you have any more questions just call my mom's phone. I know a lot about toys; it's kind of my job."

Vlad: "You're beautiful, Mommy." Me: "Aw, thanks, love." V: "Am I beautiful?" Me: "I think you are, but some people would probably say you're handsome instead." V: "What's handsome?" Me: "It's a word that describes usually a good-looking man, and beautiful a good-looking woman, but really either one can be used for either sex." V: "What's sex?" Me: "Ask daddy."

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