The Totally Lame Zombie

As dictated by Vladimir. The first few paragraphs were actually yelled from his bathroom. While he was "thinking."


"SO. CAN YOU HEAR ME?" (me): "Yes! No need to shout!"  "OKAY! OKAY! SO -"  (me): "NO NEED to shout, V." Vlad: "GOT IT. Can you hear me? ANYWAY...

...It was a dark and stormy night... very dark... and very stormy." (a lengthy pause). "VERY...STORMY." (me): "Do you want to wait until you're done?" Vlad: "NO, the thoughts, they're comin' to me now. So write it down." Me: "You got it."

"SO BACK TO THE DARK AND STORMY NIGHT. This zombie, he was very tired. And lame. Maybe you're wondering why he was lame? Well, you get very tired when you're chasin' people around and trying to eat their brains. So you get tired. And lame." (toilet flushes)

Vlad (walking into the livingroom): "So the Very Lame Zombie -" Me: "Vlad, you didn't wash your hands." Vlad (incredulously): "I am TELLIN' a STORY!" Me: "Tell it while you're washing your hands." Vlad (stomping back to the bathroom): "You are MESSIN' with my thinking; I hope you know that." (washes hands and comes back into the livingroom). "Here, you wanna smell to make sure they're clean?" Me: "I'm sure they're fine. Continue."

"So this very tired and totally lame zombie, he just didn't have the energy to go chasin' after brains anymore. Besides, the only ones he could catch were GIRLS, and their brains, they taste like pink marshmallows which are okay, but after a while you just don't want pink marshmallow brains anymore. So he had to be SMART and he had to be FAST and he had to be VERY SNEAKY. How come? Well instead of chasin' after the brains, he decided he was gonna invent a brain-suckin' thing that would just SCHWAP! into the air and land on people's heads and suck the brains out and he could just do it all from the comfort of his very own sofa for only a hundred and ninety-nine dollars." Me: "What was a hundred and ninety-nine, the sofa or the brain-sucker?" Vlad: "The sofa. Can you just write the story and not talk?" Me: "Of course."

"So from his sofa he SCHWAPPED! out his brain suckin' thing and got all the smart people he could find, because he needed the extra protein. And suddenly he could walk again! It was amazin'! And so that is why you got to eat all your meatloaf at dinner. Because it looks like brains. And it has the protein. The end."

Me: "That's it?" Vlad: "What do you want; that's all I got right now." Me: "You need to eat more protein."