Wednesday, 29 December 2010

A Tale of Intestinal Woe

...or, more aptly titled "No Shit."  Yes, this is another story from my last pregnancy.  You can laugh at me.  I don't mind.

So. First pregnancy, I never had a single issue with not being able to go. In fact, I've always been an A.M. type of girl, rain or shine, business done in less time than it takes to read a quick article in US Weekly magazine that I keep handy in the bathroom just for those times.

Apparently I've been lucky.

I first noticed something was amiss when my usual A.M. ritual sort of passed by without anything, really..."happening." I blew it off, thinking things would move along (as it were) by evening.

Not so much.

The next few mornings, I started to get a little concerned, but again, even with a little extra time and effort, I'd gaze into the bowl thinking a rabbit had been utilizing the facilities.

On Day Four of No Poo, I started to panic. I've already got a 1 1/2 lb guest chilling out in my peritoneal cavity, and being not quite 5 feet tall, I probably don't need to tell you that there isn't much space between my lower ribs and pelvis to cram extra gear. In fact, I definitely was feeling like things were exceeding maximum capacity. So I broke out the Pregnancy Yoga dvd (I really need some more opaque-y curtains for my living room), contorted my pregnant self into a few downward dogs and hefty pigeons, upped my H2O consumption, and waited.

And waited.

On Day Five of No Poo, I was at work, feeling irritable, full of rather uncomfortable pressure, peeing every 5 minutes due to my increased water consumption, and getting a little frantic. I decided to try a gentle stool softener, which purported to produce an "event" in about 12 hours...which leads us to Saturday morning (Day Six). After getting off the phone with my husband, I suddenly sat up -- I felt an interesting rumble I hadn't gotten in a few days!! Excited, I literally skipped into the bathroom! This was about 9 A.M.

An hour and a half later I was still in the bathroom...NOT because I was in the middle of the Epic Event I'd been desperately hoping for, but because I had been in the borderland -- the point of no return -- the entire time!!! I tried everything, every contortion imaginable, trying to "give birth" to what literally felt like a third baby. I was covered in sweat, pupils dilated, Lamaze breathing, praying, stretching, twisting: at one point I remembered that the Japanese squat to go to the bathroom...if I could've gotten my ankles behind my neck I would've tried that too. I literally felt like I'd turned myself inside out. The worst part was, I couldn't even turn back -- I'm telling you, it was right there, and was getting no further. I couldn't even try a stimulant (not that it's recommended during pregnancy, but I was literally so desperate I would've hooked a vacuum hose to my butt if it would've worked) because I had to be at work later and was afraid I might poo all over the truck by the time it started working.
Finally, desperate, I called a girlfriend who lived nearby (thank God I had my blackberry in the bathroom with me). Nearly weeping I explained to her what was going on, and God bless her, she threw her clothes on and went to the pharmacy to get me a suppository. She was at the door to my bathroom in less than 10 minutes and proceeded to hand to me the Keys of Heaven.

Now, on the box, it says to try to "hold everything in" for 10 minutes to allow it to work.

Well That Didn't Happen. I tried to stand up straight, even made it halfway into the livingroom, huddled in a blanket, when sweet lord, I felt like I'd been kicked in the abdomen. I crab-walked back into the bathroom, sat down, and proceeded to have what I felt was akin to a religious experience...I felt cleansed, drained, euphoric!!! I collapsed back against the toilet tank, heart pounding, hair pasted to my forehead, ears ringing, feeling as though I'd just given birth at 25,000 feet. I was literally floating, people. Finally, I peeled myself off the toilet, wrapped myself in a blanket like a disaster survivor, and spent the next few hours recovering on my sofa.

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