Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Baby Food Selections for Gerber

Dear Gerber Chefs:

This evening, as I spooned pureed carrots into Little V's mouth while my meatloaf baked away in the oven, I started wondering why certain foods never made it into the Gerber Hall of Fame. I mean, the idea is to get them to eat what you eat, right? Do you honestly eat room-temp squash, or concoctions mysteriously named Mixed Vegetables? And I admit, I like both apples and chicken, but having them blended into a jar together just doesn't sound appetizing. And so, I have compiled the following list of
suggestions for your perusal. In return, perhaps you could put a picture of Little V on one of your jars.

1. Meat Loaf: now this just plain delicious. And you could probably achieve this flavor by mixing some jars of Beef w/ Beef Gravy, maybe some Carrots, some Green Beans, mash a few Gerber Crackers in there, and toss in some ketchup for that homemade flavor. I predict this will be a big seller.

2. Blueberries: I noticed in your 2nd Foods, you add this to apples for your Apple Blueberry flavor, but why not just Blueberry? I bet parents will buy this one just to see what comes out of their kid's diaper.

3. Corn: how come this one isn't on your list? Again, I noticed it's mixed with other foods in your 2nd Foods line, but why not just put it by itself? If it's due to the poop factor, trust me, babies poop a lot. A little corn isn't going to make much difference.

4. Baked Tilapia: I blame you, Gerber, for my older son not enjoying this as much as I do. Had this tasty fish been offered in little 4oz jars when he was an infant, perhaps he would have grown to appreciate it as a preschooler.

5. General Tso's Chicken: another popular Americanized food that has long been overlooked by you, Gerber. I really think this would open up your Asian market.

6. Popcorn: picture it. It's movie night in the household. Daddy, Mommy, and Big Brother are all cuddled on the sofa about to share a ridiculously delicious and warm bowl of buttered popcorn...and here is Poor Four-to-Six-Month Old Baby, banished to his bouncy seat in the corner, gumming to death a boring Zwieback Cracker. He's already alienated enough by not being able to wipe his own butt, as Big Brother has been able to do some time now. Let Little Brother share in the moment, Gerber.

7. Pickle or Lemon: you may want to sell this Limited-Edition flavor in mini jars. Parents will buy this little gold mine just for the entertainment value of feeding it to Junior.

8. Pumpkin: well, it sells candles, doesn't it? This could be a seasonal item, available in the fall in a cute little Limited-Edition jar shaped like a pumpkin (which can also be a Gerber Keepsake).

9. Deer Meat w/ Gravy: I predict this will sell like hotcakes in the midwest. Put it in a jar with a Camo print on the lid; you'll have shortages on your hands with this particular gem.

10. Pina Colada: trust me, this will be a vacation must-have!! While Big Brother is frolicking in the waves, and Mommy and Daddy are sucking down exotic beverages with little umbrellas in them, Little Brother can enjoy his own little Taste of the Islands with the rest of the family! Again, this could be another Limited-Edition bestseller if you put it in little jars shaped like coconuts.

11. Leftovers: a Thursday night staple in many American households. This also teaches good habits early on. "Meatloaf AGAIN, ma?!?" "Yes, Junior. There are Starving Children in Africa." Just combine whatever flavors you have 'left over' that are still clinging to the inside of the baby-pureeing vats and mix them into an economical plain BPA-free plastic jar. A recession-proof flavor is born!

Think it over, Gerber. You can put my royalties toward that Gerber Life Insurance you're always insisting I need.

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