So I wore THE WRONG Tool shirt to pick my kid up from daycare in today.
As we're walking into daycare, Vlad behind me, he goes "Hey. Why is there a GIANT PENIS on the back of your shirt?" I look down at my shirt and my heart sinks. I have two Tool shirts. One says "Schism" on the back. The other has this on the back:
"Let's go back to the car," I say. "And it's not a penis. It's a tool. A wrench, actually." Vlad: "Well it looks like a penis. A lot, actually." I grit my teeth.
Looking through the car, there is not a single other item of clothing to be found. No jacket, no scrubs, not even a slutty tank top, because anything right now would be better than walking into the Ft. Lewis toddler daycare center with a giant tool that looks like a penis on my back. Shit.
Me: "Vlad, do you think you could switch me shirts?" Vlad (looking down at his Ninjago tee): "Um no. I am not letting you wear my Ninjago shirt. And I am not wearing a shirt with a giant penis on it." Me: "IT IS NOT A PENIS, VLADIMIR." I try turning my shirt inside out. The outline is still clearly visible. Shit shit shit.
Me: "Do you have a jacket? Let me try your jacket." Vlad (handing me his jacket): "That is not going to work." Me: "Shut up and think positive." Vladimir waits patiently while I try fruitlessly to wrestle myself into his jacket. It does not work. Vlad: "I told you -" Me: "OKAY, Vlad. Shit." Vlad again waits patiently while I toss the car again, to no avail.
Me: "Okay, we just have to go inside. We'll just go like it's no big deal. Walk behind me. Maybe my hair will cover it up?" Vlad peers at my back. "No. It definitely does not cover up the whole penis part." Me: "FOR GODDSAKE IT IS NOT A PENIS." Vlad shrugs.
We walk into the daycare. The director, a couple teachers, and some parents apparently taking a tour turn beaming smiles at us. "Mrs. Steiner! Hello! Do you have a few minutes to talk to some new prospective clients? Their son is going to be in Vincent's room!" Me (smiling big, trying to keep my back to the wall): "Hi yes we love it here Vincent loves new friends great place enjoy your day!" I speed walk backwards down the hall. Vlad: "She does NOT have a giant penis on her back." For the love of god.
(Entering Vincent's classroom, it is a chaotic din of parents, toddlers, teachers, and aides. FML) Me: "Vincent! Get your jacket; time to go!" Teacher: "Oh, he has some things he wants to show you today, Mama!" Me: "Not the best day for this, really." Teacher: "It'll just take a second!" Vlad: "She can't really walk anywhere. Look at her back." Me: "VLADIMIR." Teacher (peering around me): "Oh, dear." Me (closing my eyes): "I am so sorry... we just need to go." I collect my children and head for the exit. We pass a soldier on the way out and he gives me the thumbs up on my shirt. "Sweet band." Me: "Oh, SHUT IT."
The moral: I have no idea. It's wine-thirty.